


The Great Pizza MRE Incident

by F-117 Nighthawk (F117_Nighthawk)



Series: Dark Matter [6]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (not that he ever thinks STRAIGHT lmao), Gen, Keith & Shiro (Voltron) are Adoptive Siblings, Keith wasn't thinking straight okay, Pidge and Shiro are there for like five sentences, Pizza, Shiro is ExasperatedTM with his adoptive brother, stealing shit, there's hints of worldbuiling in here too, this is an abSOLUTE SHITPOST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 10:56:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16061666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F117_Nighthawk/pseuds/F-117%20Nighthawk
Summary: Lance regales the others with a tale from the Garrison.This is my crown achievement of shitposts and there's no other explanation.





	The Great Pizza MRE Incident

**Author's Note:**

> This is a shitpost and I'm not sorry. It was all caused when I saw a New York Times notification about the US army finally creating pizza MREs and  
> yeah

“Lance what the fuck are you  _ doing?” _

“You said you wanted a midnight snack, Hunk!”

_ “This is not what I had in mind.” _

“Well then what  _ did _ you have in mind?”

“I don’t know! Sneaking off base and heading to a nice restaurant and getting leftovers?”

“We’ve  _ done  _ that, Hunk, it’s  _ boring.” _

Hunk huffed and folded his arms, looking around the room they were in. “I wouldn’t call anything in here food.”

“Oh come on, it’s not  _ that _ bad. Plus not everyone can afford to go to fancy restaurants all the time.”

Hunk looked at where Lance had gotten himself, up on a shelf that was covered in what looked like tinfoil. “Alright, I suppose with the rationing we’ve both had worse than what’s in this room.”

“Exactly! Now, what do you want?”

“Okay but, with the rationing and all, should we be doing this?”

“Hunk, I have  _ actually _ stolen more food than this because the government is  _ shit _ at deciding how much food people need. No one will ever notice two missing MREs.”

“False.”

“Okay but in the grand scheme of things. Maybe a rat stole them!”

“Lance, in what way is that believable?”

“Ooo, that one says pizza! There’s a whole stack of them!”

Lance jumped off the shelf he was standing on and hit the ground with surprisingly little sound. Hunk sighed and followed his friend, his many regrets about the situation trailing after him. “What type of pizza.”

“Pepperoni I think, I’d--”

Lance cut himself off when a quiet thunk reverberated throughout the storage room. “Was that you?” he hissed, turning to face Hunk. Hunk shook his head quickly and pointed to his right. The other door to the storage room slowly swung open slightly. Lance turned off his flashlight and they both sprinted for the closer door, staying as low as they could while being speedy. They squeezed through and Hunk started for the next hallway, but Lance grabbed his arm. 

“Wait,” he said, “I wanna see who it is.”

“Are you kidding me??? It’s probably just one of the cooks. Come  _ on _ we need to go before we get caught. Do you know what they’ll do to us if they find us in the food rooms???  _ Very bad things!” _

Lance wasn’t listening to Hunk at all. He had his head pressed up against the small crack created in the doorway by the book he’d stuck in the door, looking for whoever had also snuck into the room. He  _ knew _ the person had snuck in, what other reason would they have for being so slow when they walked in? What reason for trying to be so noiseless? So what did they want?

A dark figure in a dark room was hard to keep track of, especially when they moved so quietly. They whispered across the floor like a ghost. Lance was so in awe of their ability to sneak he almost missed when they took something out of a pocket and unravelled it.

“Hunk, look!” he hissed, tugging on his arm, “Is that a giant trash bag they have?” Hunk glanced at him, but opted to continue watching the hallway so he could drag Lance out of view when a patrol inevitably came around the corner.

The figure looked around and Lance whipped around, barely preventing himself from making a huge noise as he whamed his back into the wall. After a moment, he peeked around the corner again.

He did a double take.

Was the figure....pushing the  _ entire pile of pizza MREs into their bag? _

The figure turned and Lance thought he caught a glimpse of the bright orange of the cadet uniform. Then, without glancing back, the figure slipped out the other door with their load of stolen pizzas.

“What the hell,” Lance whispered to the darkness.

* * *

“How did you not get caught?” Pidge wondered at Lance.

The man in question shrugged. “Lucky I guess.”

_ “Really _ lucky,” Hunk added, “The entire staff was already a mess with Iverson on medical leave and Torrent and Sandra off doing classified stuff, we would’ve been crucified.”

“I wonder who it was,” Shiro mused from his seat on the other side of the common room, “just some local criminal wouldn’t have been able to make it into the Garrison. Must’ve been highly trained and had intimate knowledge of how the Garrison worked.”

“Uhm....”

Four pairs of eyes turned to the fifth Paladin in the room. 

Shiro had a sudden thought.  _ “No.” _

* * *

Keith hadn’t exactly considered the results of his actions this time. He could hear Shiro in the back of his brain telling him he didn’t consider the results  _ most _ of the time and he really needed to and--

Fuck.

Shiro. 

His hands formed fists against the emotions that welled up. Right now was really not the right time or place for it. Last time he’d punched someone and. Well. That, in a very roundabout way, was how he’d ended up here. 

“Here” was wearing his old garrison uniform under a hoodie  _ (Shiro’s hoodie Adam hadn’t taken it so Keith had) _ with the largest bag he could find, sneaking back into the storage rooms off the commissary. 

He wasn’t thinking rationally, he knew that much. He didn’t even care about the Garrison anymore, not after what they’d done, and yet here he was getting the last laugh in. 

It was a  _ necessary _ last laugh though. They’d basically kicked him out on his ass and said have fun in the world. No supplies, no rations, not even his Garrison ID. Which was funny, not in the ha-ha way so much as the hysterical, “oh my god, what the hell am I gonna do” sort of way, because his Garrison ID was the one thing that could get him back on the grid, back to where the government would deign to provide him such things as  _ food and water.  _

(Not like it was ever enough food never not even when Okasan was still alive never before he’d met Shiro--

_ \--Shiro Matt Sam-- _

_ He’d had to tell Adam no one had thought to TELL HIM) _

So he was here, taking his rightful rations and nothing more.

Sneaking in had been surprisingly easy. There was a hole in the security cameras that if you knew it was there (and one knew these things with Katie as a pseudo-sibling) you could easily just walk right into the Garrison compound. Walk around wearing a garrison cadet uniform acting like you’re supposed to be there and no one questions it. Iverson was still at the hospital, Adam was at home, Sanda and Torrent were off base, so there were no officers that would immediately recognize him. 

The hard part would be sneaking out, but he supposed it was a little late to back out now.

Quietly, Keith glanced around and slipped through the doors to the hallway beyond the commissary. He passed silently along the hallway, ears attuned to any slight noise. No one appeared to stop him between the beginning of the corridor and the storage room door he stopped at. Carefully, he inched the door open.

He stopped when he saw a light flick off at the far end of the room and the slap of feet failing to be quiet journeyed towards the other door. Someone else was in here. 

Keith slipped through the door as quietly as he could and walked over to the shelves of MREs. He had almost a years worth of rations to grab, anything else would go bad too quickly. Glancing around, he grabbed the huge trash bag from the pocket of the hoodie and unraveled it. The plastic crinkled way too loudly for his taste, but he didn’t have many other choices. Plus, now that he thought about it, a trash bag would make perfect cover.

A soft sound echoed from the door the feet had headed towards. He glanced over, but saw nothing. Choosing to ignore it, he considered the racks of MREs. Were they organized in some way? His night vision was good, but not good enough to read the signs on the shelves. 

With an internal shrug he simply swept the nearest shelf into his bag, and the next one above it. That was about a years worth, right? Right. He tied the bag and slung it over his shoulder.

Now: the fun part. He wondered if Katie’s programs were still running in the Garrison files.....

* * *

Lance was in hysterics on the common room floor.  _ “I can’t believe--oh my god--I can’t believe it was you!” _ Hunk and Pidge had the decency to at least seem upset about the situation he’d been in while snickering along with the Blue Paladin.

Keith was as red as his lion. “I was having a bad time, okay? Didn’t exactly help when I realized all I’d grabbed was the shitty pizza.”

Shiro had his head in his hands. “Why didn’t you go to Colleen? Adam?”

“I had no way to get back on the grid, Shiro. They literally stripped me of my ID as they threw me out, I would’ve just been an extra mouth to feed without the necessary supplies.”

“Adam had the right clearances, he could’ve  _ helped--” _

“Shiro. I can’t exactly go back in time and fix it. And Adam was...not doing too hot either. He took shore leave almost directly after  _ I had to tell him _ and went back up to the East Coast.”

Shiro sighed and looked up at his brother. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> At this point Shiro is just dating Everyone lmao. Shatt? yep. Shallura?? yep. Shadam??? yeeeeeeeep.  
> anyway yeah there's some worldbuilding I basically accidentally worked into this aka: the Earth has gone to SHIT because climate change and is basically under martial law from a point a few years before the first episode.


End file.
